The private musings of Esplin 9466
by Lady Domino
Summary: Esplin 9466 considers life as a Yeerk from his own particular angle, covering hosts and what happens when his own gets sick , females and Visser One's see through top and underlings and X rated holofilms
1. Chapter 1

Maybe a one shot, maybe going further. Depends on whether people like it, so if you want more don't forget to review! Thanks :)

Disclaimer: Animorphs belongs to the lovely Ms Applegate. This is purely done for fun!

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**The private musings of Esplin 9466**

Hosts

A lot of Yeerks end up quite attached to their hosts.

I mean yes, they are always an inferior species and there to serve and generally hate our guts and everything. But you get kind of fond of what becomes 'your' legs and 'your' arms etc.

Maybe not if you have a Taxxon host. I think it would be pretty hard to come to love being a Taxxon. But imagine if you're a Hork Bajir! Who wouldn't love being strong and powerful and dangerous? And the better your host is the more fond you get of it. You want to keep it in peak condition. It's comfortable, like a getting back into an old Bug fighter you used to pilot. All the controls are exactly where you remember them.

And it's kind of how you come to view yourself.

So Yeerks with human or even Hork Bajir hosts get, as I say, quite attached to them.

Imagine how I feel.

I have the bestest bestest host in the entire galaxy!

I have an Andalite host!

THE Andalite host.

And yes, he is **really **whiney and **really **superior and super annoying but I don't care in the least because I am the only one. It'd be like having a private ship with Jacuzzi and bar and personal masseuse and complaining about the decor on the inside being bad.

WHO CARES?

It's a status symbol! It's not meant to be comfy!

It means that I am Visser Three. Say it with me. VISSER THREE!

Except it means even more than that. Because there have been other Visser Threes, and there is Visser Two and that annoying dapsen Visser One above me. No one else has a host as sparkly as mine. I walk around and everyone stares at me and they're all so completely jealous.

I seriously love it.

And I can morph.

I mean, WOW! I can MORPH! I'm not only an Andalite, I can be whatever I want! Human? Pffff. I can be human. Hork Bajir? I can do that. Taxxon? Really? Well, if I really, really wanted to then it could be arranged. Gedd? What's the point? But it could be done. So what if we find some super new species that's even cooler than Andalites? Give me one minute alone with it and I AM it!

So yeah, I love my host. Not Alloran personally. Like I said, he's really boring and also quite distracting because he starts shouting at me whenever he knows I **really **need to concentrate.

Like, say we're fighting the Andalite bandits. I'm in there, in whatever shape I fancy (because I can MORPH) and I'm doing the whole evil thing where you go: _Prepare to die Andalite scum! Mwahahahahaha!_ (My 'Mwaha' evil laughter can go on forever because I don't need to draw breath like human villains. Isn't that awesome?) Anyway, I'm totally stealing the show, when old whingey hooves starts up. _You don't respect me, you don't appreciate me, you never listen to me, you never do what I want, you're trying to kill my people. _Etc etc. It's seriously like being married! I wish the old fart would shut up. It's not like he appreciates me either! I'm trying to rule the entirety of humanity! I could at least get congratulations for having a good vision! Not many people's ambitions are so grand!

At least he can't claim I subject him to mediocrity.

There's always something about me in Yeerk _Hello!_

Last month I gave them tips on polishing your host's hooves. Which is funny, because no one else has a host with hooves.

MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyways, what I was trying to say before I totally distracted myself is that whilst I don't necessarily like Alloran, I am very, VERY attached to having an Andalite host.

So you can probably guess how I reacted when he got ill.

Well actually the first thing I did was laugh at him when he complained of having a headache. _Awwwww! Has ooo got de sniffles? _He didn't say anything back. I guess that should have tipped me off that he was below par. I mean, however sulky Alloran is feeling, he always has time to call me the son of the scum on the underside of the hoof of the universe.

But this time he just went all quiet.

And his headache was mega distracting! Even after I ground up three ibuprofens with my hooves!

And then we got a temperature.

I was just working happily at my computer when suddenly Alloran says: _Feel my forehead. _

_My forehead_, I said crossly. But I did anyway, and my hand came away all sweaty.

_AAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!_

Iniss 226, my retarded personal assistant, came running in and started dancing in front of me like an utter idiot.

"What is it Visser? Are those mean old Andalite bandits back again?" I am always one second away from slicing off Iniss' head. He is almost as annoying as whingey hooves!

_No you fool! _I roared. _Quick, feel my forehead!_ Iniss kind of hesitated, but it doesn't do to disobey your boss when he has a tail which is super duper useful at cutting subordinates' heads off, so he skipped up and kind of patted my forehead.

_Well??_

"It's a bit warm," he said cautiously.

_I'm going to die! _I wailed. _I'm going to diiiiieee! I'm too young! I'm too young to die! NOOO!_

"Perhaps it is just stress," the gibbering idiot suggested. I relaxed like half a centimetre.

_Stress gives you a temperature? _

"Well, I don't know for Andalites, not that you're an Andalite, although you have an Andalite host, so technically we should treat you like an Andalite," he babbled. I put on my 'speaking to the terminally stupid' voice.

_Iniss, I am not an Andalite. I am a Yeerk with an Andalite host. Now get out and research Andalite diseases! Now!_

He scampered out, and I tried to get back to my work. Well, it was actually a new computer game Visser Four had sent me. You have a dracon beam and you're in a shooting range, up against that dapsen Elfangor. It's so cool! Even though I actually ate him, it was super satisfying to blow his **huge** head off! There were really good visual effects, too.

Only my headache refused to go away. And it was getting really really hard to concentrate. And my vision was actually beginning to blur. I mean, only after two hours of shooting Elfangor!

_Yamphut, _whingey hooves said. I swear, he was practically giggling with happiness. _I've got Yamphut! I'm going to die! I'll be free!_

_Shut up_, I said crossly. But I was beginning to get scared. ME! Visser Three! I was getting all prickly and frightened! I could see into Alloran's mind, see what Yamphut was, although he was very helpfully reeling off the symptoms of Yamphut to me anyway.

Yamphut is not good.

It is not sniff sniff sick.

It is goodbye host sick! Goodbye shiny Andalite host!

And it was really beginning to look like I was seriously that ill.

_You?_ Alloran blithered. _It's me. I'm the one who's sick._

_Again, shut up._

I was sick! Or rather, my lovely, lovely host body was. My unique host body.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!_

Iniss came running. And he brought about five Hork Bajir. Perhaps he thought whatever was upsetting me would be fixed by five giant, blade wielding lizards invading my inner sanctum.

Nice try, retard.

After I had killed all the Hork Bajir I explained to Iniss the problem. I think I was quite rational, considering the circumstances.

_Iniss my host is dying! I can't live without him! Make it better! Make it stop! Make it go away! AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!_

Iniss had to hold my hand for like five minutes.

I was THAT stressed!

In the end Iniss went and got the top Yeerk surgeon, and made me explain to him what Yamphut is and what it does and how to fix it.

You have to do brain surgery to fix it.

Brain surgery!

On MY host!

THE HORROR!

In the end the surgeon suggested I take another host for a couple of days and they would try and fix the problem.

They called it 'maintenance'.

_What am I, a dripping pipe?_ Alloran sniffed. But not very loudly, because he really was feeling quite poorly.

_Don't die,_ I said. He laughed.

_Would you miss me, Esplin?_

_I'd miss my lovely tail,_ I admitted. He got all huffy at that and after throwing out some insults (the usual - your mother was a dapsen poo etc) refused to talk to me.

I didn't want to leave my lovely Andalite body.

But I also didn't want to get in the way when they did brain surgery on him. I mean, ouch!

So I got out.

They gave me a human host. A woman with long black hair. She was also **mega whiney**, but I just ignored her. I was too busy getting worried about Alloran.

They strapped him to a table. But they didn't really need to. It was pathetic. He didn't even try to kill himself when I left him. He just kind of collapsed.

I was at his side instantly.

"Everyone, Alloran is your top priority. Drop your positions. Drop the invasion. If he dies, most of you will also be leaving this life, and then anyone who is left standing will be joining me in going home!"

They all looked kind of shocked. Like they were surprised I would call off the entire invasion for the sake of one Andalite. No harm in letting them know how deadly serious I was.

I was at his side every minute of every hour of the day. If he had sneezed I'd have been there with a hanky and a teddy bear. He didn't sneeze. He just got very, very hot and a bit delirious. He shook. He talked to his wife.

Psychologically I guess it was very interesting hearing what he said.

Whatever.

I was literally holding his hand throughout it.

Hey, it's not like I had a spare Andalite on me if this one didn't make it! And I'd worked really, **really **hard on stocking him up with all those morphs.

I distinctly recall sponging his forehead with a cool towel.

How angelic am I?

"You're such a beautiful host. Yes you are. Yes you are. So lovely. You're not going to die on me are you?" And when he didn't answer. I caved. "Please, please don't die on me. I don't like being human. It's fun for two hours, but two days and it's boring!" It really was too! I couldn't morph. I had to use dracon beams when I wanted to kill people! And I had to wear really annoying, constricting clothes, because when I took them off all the male doctors stared at me.

Alloran cranked open an eye and laughed at me.

_Serves you right if I die. Then I would be free and you'll be stranded. _

All my sympathy vanished in an instant.

I mean, he had used public thought speak and all the doctors must have heard. He'd practically told them all I was too scared to face the world without him. I grabbed the fluffy lamb I'd brought him and whacked him over the head with it. Several times. And then they told me he needed brain surgery.

I mean, what? There's no way I hit him that hard!

Oh wait, it was because his temperature had reached critical point.

Yeah.

They cut his head open. To get at the Tria gland.

It was seriously gross. I mean, I don't have eyes in my own body, so I'd never seen a brain before. I always thought it would be a nice light green. No. It was kind of grey and throbbing. And the Tria gland was seriously icky. All swollen and purple.

I fed it to one of the Taxxons to see what happened. It was really funny, because the Taxxon kind of vomited it up, and then tried to eat it again.

Hey, that amuses me!

But the important thing was my host was alive! He was alive and recovering!

Soon I'd be wearing my sparkly Andalite shoes again!

I killed the woman I'd been borrowing. She knew a bit too much about me for it to be comfortable. I mean, what if one of my subvissers infested her and we met and he knew about all the prayers I'd been saying to get my lovely host back?

AWKWARD!

I crawled back in.

Oh it was like putting on a favourite coat.

I'd never be mean to my Andalite again. I loved him so much! I loved him!

_I see your bungling surgeons made the mistake of leaving me alive, _he said as I got in.

_Mwahahahahahaha! You thought you'd got away? Nono, whiney hooves, you are mine again! Miney miney miney!_

Well maybe I wouldn't be that nice to him.

Old habits die hard.


	2. Chapter 2

So, yeah I just couldn't leave it alone. Here we are, another chapter in our favourite Yeerk's musings. Thank you very much to everyone who kindly reviewed chapter one. *BIG AUTHORLY SMILE* PLease don't forget to review this one too :)

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**The Private musings of Esplin 9466**

Females

I do not 'get' females.

I think I was in love once, with a female Andalite called Aldrea. She ditched me in favour of a boring Hork Bajir.

It was most hurtful.

I have never been female. I have always been big and male and butch.

I like being butch! It makes me feel happy.

Visser One is a female. I don't like it. This one time she got absolutely drenched because some utterly retarded sub visser accidentally sprayed her with a hosepipe. Needless to say that sub visser was soon missing their head. And their arms. And their shoulders. And their legs. He was FRIED! It was really funny!

Anyway Visser One stood there and her clothes were kind of sticking to her human body.

I do not like the effect it had on me.

I don't think Visser One did either. She did not seem to react well to me throwing myself on the floor before her and wrapping my arms around her knees.

"Get off Esplin, you addled fool," she screamed, her chest heaving in that really see through shirt.

_Just consider it!_ I cried. _You could be missing out on something special!_

"Like you would even know what to do!" she sneered.

_I can learn!_ I shouted. Or something similarly mortifying.

Anyway, I do not like females.

I mean, why do they think just because their bodies are less muscly they should get special treatment? I'm bigger and stronger than them! I should be the one getting special treatment!

I spent ages looking at Whiney Hooves' memories of his wife to try and work out the attraction. He got really upset and called me even worse names than usual. Stupid Whiney Hooves. Like I care! I don't get what he saw in her. Lots of moonlight runs and cuddling under the stars when he could have been tucked up in bed. Very silly.

Although there was this one terrible time...

But no, we speak not of THE TIME.

Never!

It did not happen!

The fact that there is video proof does not matter.

And besides I think I was raped.

Isn't that terrible? I, the marvellous Visser Three, might have been raped. Just thinking about it I feel like crying.

WHY CRUEL WORLD? WHY ALLOW VISSER ONE TO LIVE AND STRUT AROUND ON EARTH AND RAPE INNOCENT VISSER THREES?

It was an evening at the Sharing. Ah see, now the truth comes spilling out of me. It was so traumatic I cannot keep it inside me! I totally need therapy.

Anyway I had morphed my normal human male. I was wearing a suit by Armani. I was wearing a shirt by Ralph Lauren. I was wearing aftershave by Burberry. I didn't know what any of this meant, except that I was HAWT!

I was the hawttest male there, even without being my usual Andalite self!

All the females went all swoony just looking at me.

I was on fire! I was in control! I was fricking HAWT!

And then I saw Visser One. I swear there were smoky heat lines coming off her. She was wearing like the lowest dress you have ever seen and it was scarlet silk.

I totally ignored her.

And then grabbed Iniss.

"Was that cool? Did I play it cool?" I don't think the idiot had any idea what I was talking about, but he kind of babbled and went, "Oh Visser Three, you were awesome!"

That's all I needed to hear.

I gave my speech. I ruled! I was hawt.

I had a glass of 'wine'. And then several more because it was really nice. _Mmmmm_, Alloran went in my mind. He was getting very sleepy and silly but I was fine! I was HAPPY! I was feeling very friendly.

And then I kind of noticed Visser One shimmy up to my elbow. She smiled at me, a very sexy smile. I'd never noticed her lips before, or the way her hair kind of swished down her back. Or looked down her very low top... NO! Bad Esplin!

"A more pathetic attempt at public speaking I have not seen, Visser Three."

"Try looking in a mirror next time **you** give one and you will," I said cattily. She raised her rather nice eyebrows, and was about to say something when I handed her my wine glass. "Try this. It's mega nice." She rolled her eyes.

"I know what wine is, Esplin." But she tried some. And she kind of went "Mmmmmm" too.

I snapped my fingers and Iniss ran up with another bottle of wine. I drank half and gave the other half to Visser One. It was really, really nice and I was feeling very HAPPY! Visser One drank it and I realised I was staring at her.

Stupid female! She should have walked away right that second. She was doing it on purpose. Looking all shimmery and yummy on purpose.

I really hate her!

Instead she kind of smiled and said, "Do you hear the music?"

I said, "Yes, I am not deaf or a numbskull. Of course I hear the music you stupid female."

She said, "Shall we dance?"

OOOOHHH! If only I could have seen the trap that was being laid for me! But NOOOOO! Like the trusting kind hearted whatsit I am I allowed her to lead me onto the dance floor. I wiggled. She wiggled. We both wiggled.

What the heck, I was still wearing the clothes. I was still HAWT!

I went away to dimorph and morph again. As I morphed back to human I nearly fell over on my two legs. _Someone's wobbly, _Alloran laughed.

_Zip it whiney hooves._ I went back to Visser One. She was just polishing off another bottle of wine. I grabbed it from her and drank it very fast. She kind of smiled crookedly at me and said, "Let's get out of here Esplin." I must have been **really** gone because I think I said, "Yes."

AND THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER!

I was raped! I was seduced and raped! I was tricked by a vile trickster! It's not my fault she's all female and femalish!

I remember suddenly waking up in my human morph in a bed.

I totally freaked out.

"I'm a nothlit! NOOOOO! AAAAAARRRGGHHHHH! I'm too young! Nononono!" I screamed for like five minutes. And then whiney hooves woke up.

_Why not try morphing? h_e said.

Duh, Esplin. Try morphing.

It worked! Oh it worked! I was me again! Me me, lovely Andalite me.

_Hahahahahaha whiney hooves! I triumph again! _

_Whatever, _he said grumpily. _Where are we?_

It was only then that I realised the true horror of my situation. I was in a hotel bed. I had not been wearing anything. I sniffed the pillows and recoiled.

_Oh, it smells of her! It smells of Visser One! She tricked me! She fooled me! I hate her!_

Whiney hooves got all anxious and serious and kept blithering about being unfaithful to his wife. Like he had problems. I'm the one who was raped!

_You've raped me_, he said tetchily. _You've forced me to do stuff against my will._

_I was the one forced!_ I shouted. I was the one who'd been tricked and, and _oooooooo_.

That vile foul female.

She taped the whole thing.

She sent me a little clip of it.

Lots of going "Oh yes!"

Then she started purring down the InterVissercom.

"I want ships Esplin," she said. "I want soldiers. I want you to send me pretty dresses and perfume. I want lots of presents. I want you to send me hot twenty something human males wearing fig leaves and handcuffs."

I spent like twenty minutes yelling at her! But she wouldn't back down! It was all I could do to stop her taking my Blade ship away from me!

Afterwards I summoned Iniss and had a really long cry on his shoulder. He patted my back and said he loved me. He went to get me a cup of tea.

Good old Iniss. Where would I be without him?

Wait, Iniss had brought me the wine!

OH HE WOULD PAY! HE WOULD RUE THE DAY HE HAD HANDS TO BRING ME WINE!

When he came back with my tea I was ready for him!

And yeah, I guess I felt a little less traumatised after I'd beaten him into a pulp. It's all about how you deal with things like this.

Still, I hate Visser One so much.

I can't believe she taped us.

It wasn't even a very good angle for me.

Stupid female.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello hello! Here is chapter 3!! Thanks to all who have reviewed - this chapter has tried to take account of what you said. Please let me know what you think! Also, what other things should Visser Three muse on? I'm running out of ideas... And finally, the action near the end ties into book 37 of the Animorphs series if anyone is confused. :)

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**The private musings of Esplin 9466**

Underlings

What is it about underlings which makes them automatically incompetent? Is it an underling requirement? Do they line up at the recruitment office and take a verbal test?

**Are you a Yeerk?** 'Yes'.

**Are you convinced your superior will promote you any second now?** 'Yes'.

**Do you gloat endlessly over prisoners?** 'Yes'.

**Are you willing to be generally abused, verbally and physically, by your superiors?** 'Yes'.

**Are you incompetent?** 'Yes'.

**Congratulations! You will make a first class underling!**

And then we're stuck with the wretched things.

Underlings are, by definition, Yeerks who failed at the competition to become Visser.

They **failed.**

SO WHY DO WE ENTRUST THEM WITH ALL THE IMPORTANT JOBS?

Why oh why do we (and I am guilty of this too) sit down and think 'It's just a simple matter of holding five morph capable Andalites prisoner for two hours. Of course our underlings can manage it'? They never can.

It's not like I don't try. With the number of underlings I've decapitated, eviscerated, defenestrated and generally removed from the realm of the living you'd think the only ones left would be the competent ones. But NOOOO! Every now and then some spectacularly dim specimen comes along and manages to ruin my plans.

The number of times I've made a perfectly reasonable demand like _Capture or kill that Andalite there!_ and they've simply **failed**!

Sometimes whiney hooves gets the giggles watching them mess up. It makes me so angry!

Let's take Iniss 226, my personal assistant. He is a genius at grass lattes. I wake up in the morning and there's always one steaming gently on my bedside table. It makes me feel all soft and warm inside. Even Alloran goes _mmmmm_ when we tuck into it.

But ask Iniss to do anything other than puree some grass and various shrubs and he goes to pieces!

I mean, look what happened the time I said: _Iniss, can you arrange it so that I am president of the United States by next Tuesday please?_ I even said 'please'! Iniss just kind of gaped at me like I'd said I wanted to be emperor.

"Um, Visser, I'm not sure I can do that," he blithered. "I mean, president is a difficult position to aim for, and you can't just make one, um, there has to be an election and that takes months." I started losing my temper. I mean, I know, without a doubt, that I could fry anyone who stood in my way if I wanted to become president. All potential problems were thus very easily solved. Why couldn't he see that? It was obvious!

_Iniss, if idiotic humans can be president then why can't I? Think carefully, as your next words may be your last._

Hey! I was only teasing! I wasn't really going to kill him. His grass lattes have earned him a special place in my heart, and I'm not willing to give them up for anything. Still, it's good to keep underlings on their toes. They tend to think pretty fast when you've got your tail blade pressed to their jugulars.

"Well, Visser, of course we could make you president if that's what you really want," he said very quickly. "But it would be very time consuming for you. You would have to attend lots of boring meetings."

_Couldn't I just cancel the meetings?_

"Sadly no, not if you want everyone to just accept you as the president and not get nosy and possibly uncover us," he said.

_Oh_. I felt all deflated and sad. Iniss patted my hand.

"Tell you what, Visser, how about I make you my special weekend latte? That'll make you feel better."

_The one with strawberries in it? _whiney hooves asked. He'd gone all alert and quivery. Or maybe that was me.

I like the weekend latte a lot.

So once again I magnanimously allowed Iniss to live.

Still, there have been some very terrible occasions, where underlings have made me (even me!) look rather bad.

Like the rather terrible incident with Inspector Garatron.

The inspector had come to assess me performance here on earth. And he was acting very smug. See, he had recently been given a new body, a Garatron. It looks like an Andalite, except it can't morph (so is inferior). But it can run _really _fast (which is annoying).

And it's mega mega aggravating when I tell Yeerk _Hello!_ the best tail blade polish, and then there he is in the next issue contradicting me, and recommending also that I use a different hoof shine.

**GRRRRRRR!**

But I hid my pique. I was sweetness and light! I was charm itself! He had no idea how much I wanted to pull a dracon beam on him! He did not pick up a single frission of tension! I was the perfect host!

_You put frogs in his bed and pepper in his food, _Alloran said.

_SHUT UP WHINEY HOOVES!_

As I was saying, I was entertaining the inspector in perfect style. I even took him on a gallop with me to feed.

Which was very embarrassing because I got attacked by the Andalite bandits. They had morphed some sort of big cat, and were _very _fast.

_What, is it the week for showing me how slow and fat I've let you get? _I huffed crossly to Alloran as we ran. Naturally he was getting all hopeful again, running through the music he wanted at our funeral. Is it pessimistic that he wants to die? Or optimistic because arguably it is something he looks forward to?

Where was I?

Oh yes. Running for my life.

_AAARRGGHH! _They were too fast! This was it! I really was going to die! _Save me whiney hooves! Save me and I'll let you go, I promise! _

_Huh, _Alloran said sniffily. He did jack all to help me.

Stupid ungrateful host. After all the effort I put in to polishing our tail blade and hooves.

Anyway, it really did look like this was the end, when ZIP!

Inspector Garatron had seen us.

And he had to ride in and rescue me.

It was **super **embarrassing. He didn't do it with grace. He kept niggling me and laughing at me.

_Weren't you going to release me if we survived? _whiney hooves asked.

_Yeah right, after all the help you were, _I sneered. He got all huffy and called me more names.

Sigh.

It does eventually get a bit tiring being called the spawn of a dapsen taxxon.

Anyway, this is all beside the point except to show that I was already having an awful day. I went up onto the main bridge of my beautiful Blade ship and the inspector wanted to see the holofilms on the recent construction of the Yeerk pool. I turned to some random human underling and ordered him to play the holofilms.

He was kind of trembling when he worked the computer interface.

I suppose that might be the reason that what happened happened.

Or the fact that UNDERLINGS ARE INCOMPETANT!

Anyway, an image of three taxxons flashed onto the screen.

_Cool, _I said to Alloran who was still sulking. _I didn't know we had footage of the tunnelling._

_What tunnelling? _he asked.

Whoa! Realisation hit me. He was right! There hadn't been any tunnelling on the new pool extensions. Ok, so we'd accidentally got the wrong holofilm. Fine. I could forgive that. Instead of a holofilm of the pool being improved we had one of...

My hearts stopped.

_Whyarewewatchingpornographicfootageofataxxonorgy? _the inspector asked in that speedy way he does where all the words are joined together. It's really annoying.

_That is a good question, _I said faintly.

_Ooooh, you're in trouble!_ whiney hooves crowed. _You're going down! _

Somehow I managed to pull myself back from the brink of a nervous breakdown.

_Switch this filth off! _I yelled at the quaking underling. Somehow he missed the 'off' button and instead twiddled the volume louder. Anyone who hadn't been staring now swung round as contented taxxon sounds reverberated around the bridge.

_AAARRGGHHH!_ I screamed. I leapt on the underling and sliced him in half. Two taxxon controllers tore their eyes away from the screen long enough to realise that dinner was thrashing on the deck and descended upon him. _Why am I surrounded by fools? _I raged. _Why am I surrounded by incompetent idiots?_

I threw a proper hissy fit. I roared. I screamed. I **very nearly did break down**.

And all the time the inspector was just standing there making notes with a smug expression. And as I was raging and everyone was staring, behind me those wretched taxxons writhed and went: Scree-scree-screee-SCREEE

_AAARRRGGHHH_! It still makes me scream to think of it. It was hoof-shrivellingly embarrassing.

And I could hardly execute my entire crew of moderately competent pilots who were standing around on the bridge.

Still, somehow we managed to switch the vile thing off. And Iniss led me back to my quarters and ran me a hot bath. And then the inspector got totally owned by the Andalite bandits.

One of them morphed a snake and killed him.

_MWAHAHAHAHAHA! YES! SUCCESS! I WIN! Take that you stupid wannabe Andalite!_

I was really rather controlled considering the tension I was under.

And after I had hacked five other underlings to bits for bringing taxxon porn onto the ship I felt rather better.

There's very little a good day's slaughter won't fix.


End file.
